For The Man Who Has Everything

Created by Israeli artist Boaz Arad, this creation represents "what a Nazi hunter would do if he caught the ultimate prize, the Nazi leader." We can only hope it's only the first in a series of genocidal dictators: Stalin, Hussein, Bush...

Fee Fi Fo... Fum?

Alright. Here's the deal. We have a new heavyweight champion. Now, I know, there are like five different belts, it's all politics and blah, blah, blah... But screw all that. Take one look at the picture above and know this: the guy on the right is the former WBA champ John Ruiz. He's 6'2" 220 lbs. The guy on the left? He's the new champ. His name is Nikolai Valuev and he stands 7' 0" tall and weighs 330 lbs. Making him the tallest, heaviest and (unofficially) hairiest champion ever. Now if we can only reincarnate Andre the Giant...

I Guess The Tunnel Of Hate Was Closed

Jack Frost Nipping At Your... Balls?

It's hard to argue Global Warming when a fat guy dances by in sub-freezing weather with his shrunken manhood aflap-flap-flapping. Obviously George W. and his Exxon cronies paid this guy to frolic butt-naked in Cleveland's worst blizzard in a decade. Either that or he's had too much to drink. Your call.

Darwin's Theory Is Not Fool Proof

So a drunken sailor puts a gun to his head, slurs a few words and accidentally pulls the trigger. You'd think natural selection would do the rest, right? Well, not if said seaman has a skull thick as a rhino and the gun happens to fire flares. Ah, where's the perfect storm when you need it.

You Know You're Getting Old...

So, I was at work the other day when a couple of customers pointed at my shirt and wondered who the gentleman on it happened to be. I looked down (as usual unsure what shirt I'd put on that day) and saw the picture you see above. Ah, I thought to myself, it's good ol' Herve Villechaize from The Man With The Golden Gun. But I couldn't say that. The inquisitors were young (very young) and I knew from past experience people younger than myself rarely know his real name, let alone this role he played. So I figured I'd just cut to the chase and use the name all of America know him by (and which never fails to exhibit the usual, "Oh, Yeah."): Tattoo. But this time, unlike all the rest, the stares remained blank.

"You know, from Fantasy Island?" I continued.

But this didn't help either. They were completely lost, even when I tried describing the show. And that's when I started to do the math: these girls were 21 years old. That means they were born two years after Mr. Villechaize left the show in 1983. And were all of eight when he died in 1993.

"Christ," I thought to myself as I slunk away, "I'm old." And then, when this brief moment of self-pity had passed: "The little bugger's disappearing. This titan of seventies culture is slipping from our collective conscience." And so, to combat this in my small way, to keep the hounds of oblivion away from his tiny bones a moment more, I give you Herve "Da Plane!" Villechaize. Enjoy.

Spider-Wha???

A while ago Russ posted a clip to one of our favorite shows growing up: Ultra Man. Well, recently I stumbled upon another Japanese-produced 70's clip that is infinitely more confusing than even THAT! And so, without further ado, I present "Kung-Fu Spiderman and the Mariachi Machine-Gunner."

The Evil of Siegfried & Roy

Cult Leader? Messiah? Oak Ridge Boy? Nope. None of the above. It's former USC and Oakland Raider kicker Cole Ford after being arrested for shotgunning the front of Siegfried & Roy's Las Vegas mansion. So, why did he do it? And why does he look so crazy? Well, let's let Vegas' "Review-Journal" explain:

Cole Ford came to Las Vegas to find justice. Instead, the former pro football kicker found what he believed was a global conspiracy involving his father, famed magicians Siegfried & Roy, and the spread of disease, according to a psychiatric evaluation report.

"While watching Siegfried and Roy, he had a sudden realization that what was wrong with the world was linked to the illusionists' treatment, dominance and unhealthy intimacy he saw them having with their animals," psychiatrist Norton Roitman wrote in the report. "He saw their illusions as their power to distort and change reality. He felt they threatened (the) world, and he began trying to figure out how he could stop them."

The evaluation was performed Nov. 10, a week after Ford was arrested and charged with firing several shotgun blasts at the Jungle Palace home of the magical duo. Ford told the psychiatrist he never intended to harm anyone and that his actions were enough to "warn the world of the illusionists' unhealthy danger to them and to animals," the report said.

Ford, 32, has been ruled incompetent to stand trial and sent to a mental health facility in Sparks for treatment. During his evaluation, Ford told Roitman that he thought the magicians' contact with their animals was related to the development of viruses, such as AIDS, the report says. Ford also drew a connection between the magicians and his father, who killed the family's 28-year-old horse while Ford was in college. Ford was close to the horse and viewed the killing as sadistic and part of a global conspiracy, the report says.

"Mr. Ford was completely unguarded in his report of his beliefs of unhealthy sexual contact being committed by the illusionists against their animals, and the assertion that they were under the authority of his father," Roitman wrote.

Ford's pro football career began in 1995 with the Oakland Raiders. He was successful in his first two seasons, but his performance took a turn for the worst in 1997. He was cut after that season. The next year, he played one game with the Buffalo Bills before disappearing from professional football.

Around the same time, he grew reclusive and drifted from his family until they had no idea where he was. Ford moved to Las Vegas about three years ago to pursue a lawsuit against casinos which Fordbelieved were exploiting athletes by making money off sports bets, the report states. He sued the Monte Carlo in January 2004, demanding $5 million in damages. The lawsuit was dismissed.

Police have said Ford spent his time in Southern Nevada working as a day laborer. Sometimes he lived in various short-term motels. Sometimes he drove to wilderness areas and slept in his Chevrolet Astro minivan. Ford's minivan was seen driving from the scene of the Sept. 21 shooting at the Jungle Palace, prompting police to identify him as their suspect. They arrested him in November after an employee at a Kinko's store recognized him and called police.

At a court hearing in January, District Judge Jackie Glass ruled Ford was unable to stand trial because of his mental illness. Ford insisted he was competent and wanted to plead guilty to the charges. Ford has been sent to Lakes Crossing in Sparks, where doctors will treat him in hopes he eventually will be competent to face the charges.

Sounds pretty sane to me.

We've Met The Enemy And The Enemy Is...

A Mooninite? Yep, George Bush and Co. have whipped us into such a frenzy with his terror-speak that some Lite-Brite ads featuring a cartoon alien can shut down a whole city. Nice going, oh Fearless Leader. Bin Laden attacks us once five years ago and you take it from there. First civil liberties and now common sense. What'll you strip us of next? In case you missed it, here's the news clip of this fiasco:

And a short clip of the "terrorist" in action:

Watch out! They've got lasers!