The Real Gay Conspiracy
Just a rant/theory I wrote for the OREGONIZM magazine. Looks like it won't get published so I thought I'd post it here.
Okay, so here's the skeleton in my closet: weeks go by and I never think about gays. I know this might seem strange when TV is saturated with shows like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and SpongeBob SquarePants and everyone's still talking about Brokeback Mountain. But, seriously, I wake up every day, go to work, come home, watch some tube and never once think about hot man-on-man sex.
Why is this newsworthy, you ask? Why? Well, because to a certain, shall we say, "conservative" section of our society, homos are like that song you can never get out of your head. In other words, they have sodomy on the brain. And, because of this fixation, they believe stopping these "deviants" just might be the most important thing in the whole damn world.
So why is this? Do these right-wing evangelicals have, as claimed, an all-consuming desire to protect the sanctity of marriage? To promote the values in "their" Bible? To stop the gay conspiracy? Hell no. Gay sex merely keeps these ideologues awake at night in the same way Pamela Anderson gives our nation's heterosexual 15 year-old boys insomnia. It turns them the fuck on.
You see, when a Rush Limbaugh fan notices the UPS guy in his office bending over to lift a parcel, his first instinct is not to wonder if the guy needs help. No, it is to wonder if he quivers at first penetration, if he whimpers. If, perhaps, he likes it rough.
Well then, what about the red-necks who come out in droves when their right-wing puppet masters tug their strings? They're not really religious. So what drives them to the voting booth whenever there's anti-gay legislation on the ballot? How do they justify their bigotry?
They claim it's just not right. Seeing them faggots kissing on the street and then having to picture them corn-holing each other-- it's goddamn disgusting. Well then, what about old people. They fuck, too. Don't they? Won't thinking about them having sex make you lose your appetite for a month? And what about fat people? And midgets? And, for that matter, what about the 99.9% of all heterosexual Americans you wouldn't want to see naked, let alone screwing each other? Is banning all of them from marrying what these hillbillys are really after? Of course not. Because they don't think about all those other people screwing. They only think about gay sex. All day. All night. Just hot, sweaty, gay sex…
This, then, is their dilemma. The Rednecks, the Republicans and the Religious Right. Everywhere there are temptations. Everywhere. The coffee guy, the cabby, the guy at the gym. And the garbage man-- that dirty, dirty garbage man.
They're just like the rest of us, you see, these confused, tormented right-wingers. Except that, unlike us, every enticement on TV or on the street is not a socially acceptable, female wank-a-thon. No, to them, to the conservative, every dick-twitcher is forbidden fruit. Hairy, rugged forbidden fruit your parents would disown you for and your job would fire you over... ooh, I hate me. I hate me.
"NO!" the Bill O'Reilly drone sobs into his pillow at night. "NO! It's dirty, disgusting. I must fight it! We…We must fight it!"
And so the struggle continues. "Gay Marriage is a sin," they shout everyday from their pulpits in church, on Fox News, on Capitol Hill. "The Homo Cabal must not win!" When, in their heart of hearts, these right-wingers actually want it to win.
That's because deep down they have a dream, each and every one of them. A dream that someday the world will accept them for who and what they truly are. That it will judge them not on the subject of their sexual fantasies, but on the content of their character. Oh yeah, and that George Clooney will tie them up and fist-fuck them.
Okay, so here's the skeleton in my closet: weeks go by and I never think about gays. I know this might seem strange when TV is saturated with shows like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and SpongeBob SquarePants and everyone's still talking about Brokeback Mountain. But, seriously, I wake up every day, go to work, come home, watch some tube and never once think about hot man-on-man sex.
Why is this newsworthy, you ask? Why? Well, because to a certain, shall we say, "conservative" section of our society, homos are like that song you can never get out of your head. In other words, they have sodomy on the brain. And, because of this fixation, they believe stopping these "deviants" just might be the most important thing in the whole damn world.
So why is this? Do these right-wing evangelicals have, as claimed, an all-consuming desire to protect the sanctity of marriage? To promote the values in "their" Bible? To stop the gay conspiracy? Hell no. Gay sex merely keeps these ideologues awake at night in the same way Pamela Anderson gives our nation's heterosexual 15 year-old boys insomnia. It turns them the fuck on.
You see, when a Rush Limbaugh fan notices the UPS guy in his office bending over to lift a parcel, his first instinct is not to wonder if the guy needs help. No, it is to wonder if he quivers at first penetration, if he whimpers. If, perhaps, he likes it rough.
Well then, what about the red-necks who come out in droves when their right-wing puppet masters tug their strings? They're not really religious. So what drives them to the voting booth whenever there's anti-gay legislation on the ballot? How do they justify their bigotry?
They claim it's just not right. Seeing them faggots kissing on the street and then having to picture them corn-holing each other-- it's goddamn disgusting. Well then, what about old people. They fuck, too. Don't they? Won't thinking about them having sex make you lose your appetite for a month? And what about fat people? And midgets? And, for that matter, what about the 99.9% of all heterosexual Americans you wouldn't want to see naked, let alone screwing each other? Is banning all of them from marrying what these hillbillys are really after? Of course not. Because they don't think about all those other people screwing. They only think about gay sex. All day. All night. Just hot, sweaty, gay sex…
This, then, is their dilemma. The Rednecks, the Republicans and the Religious Right. Everywhere there are temptations. Everywhere. The coffee guy, the cabby, the guy at the gym. And the garbage man-- that dirty, dirty garbage man.
They're just like the rest of us, you see, these confused, tormented right-wingers. Except that, unlike us, every enticement on TV or on the street is not a socially acceptable, female wank-a-thon. No, to them, to the conservative, every dick-twitcher is forbidden fruit. Hairy, rugged forbidden fruit your parents would disown you for and your job would fire you over... ooh, I hate me. I hate me.
"NO!" the Bill O'Reilly drone sobs into his pillow at night. "NO! It's dirty, disgusting. I must fight it! We…We must fight it!"
And so the struggle continues. "Gay Marriage is a sin," they shout everyday from their pulpits in church, on Fox News, on Capitol Hill. "The Homo Cabal must not win!" When, in their heart of hearts, these right-wingers actually want it to win.
That's because deep down they have a dream, each and every one of them. A dream that someday the world will accept them for who and what they truly are. That it will judge them not on the subject of their sexual fantasies, but on the content of their character. Oh yeah, and that George Clooney will tie them up and fist-fuck them.
posted by Ryan A at 2:47 AM
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