Top Ten All-time Dwarfs

Just published in a Portland Magazine (Oregonizm), this is my attempt at ranking the unrankable--who can play favorites with their children? And, just in case you're wondering:

a) Billy Barty was included in the first draft (coming in a strong 3rd). I had to yank him when the editor/publisher said he had no idea who Mr. Barty was. At only 27 years old I guess he missed the whole Dr. Shrinker/Sigmund and the Seamonsters craze. (No wonder kids are so screwed up today).

b) According to the Little People of America (LPA), anyone under 4'10" is technically a dwarf. This means you, Gary Coleman!

1) Tattoo (Herve Villechaize); d. Sept. 4, 1993. (3'11")-
Most famous for his ‘78- ‘84 role as Mr. Rourke’s sidekick on Fantasy Island (“Da plane, Boss!”), Villechaize’s "acting" career actually started ten years earlier. In 1974 he even co-starred with James Bond, playing evil henchman/assassin Nick Nack in The Man With the Golden Gun. In the end, though, with no money left and in severe pain due to his freakishly undersized torso, he took a gun in his nubby little hands and shot and killed himself.

2) Gary Coleman; b. Feb 8, 1968. (4'8")-
Although Emmanuel Lewis (Webster) got to spend a few years as Michael Jackson’s personal fuck toy, it was Gary Coleman who dominated the 80's undersized, television child-star wars. His Diff’rent Strokes line “What you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis” was a cultural catchphrase and just recently VH-1 voted him the #1 child star of all time. Whether it's appearances on The Surreal Life or running for Governor against The Terminator, he's the dogshit we just can’t seem to scrape off of our collective shoe.

3) Mini-Me (Verne Troyer); b. Jan. 1, 1969. (2'8")-
Best known for playing Dr. Evil’s tiny henchman in Austin Powers and for pissing on the carpet on The Surreal Life, Verne Troyer actually began his career doing stunt work. In fact, before Mike Myers began whoring out his aborted-fetus physique, Troyer had already played a 9-month old baby (Baby’s Day Out), a young gorilla (Mighty Joe Young) and a sadistic puppet (Pinocchio’s Revenge). Now he’s hanging out with Hef and screwing Playboy Bunnies. Go figure

4) Tony Cox; b. Nov.10, 1945. (3'0")- After making his feature film debut in Cheech and Chong’s Nice Dreams, Cox worked as an Ewok in Return of the Jedi and the two Ewok TV Movies. It wasn’t until the 90's that he really hit his stride, though, leaving George Lucas’ pedophilic/Care-Bear infatuations far behind. In recent years he’s had substantial roles in Friday, Me, Myself & Irene and Bad Santa. It's just too bad "Dwarf Movie Stars" are really only a half-step above "Gay Porn Stars" on today's Hollywood Power List.

5) R2D2 (Kenny Baker); b. Aug. 24, 1934. (3'8")- Although you may not recognize his face, Kenny Baker holds the distinction of being one of only two actors to appear in all six Star Wars films (the other: Anthony Daniels as C3PO). He was even a double threat in Return of the Jedi, playing both R2D2 and an Ewok. To see him in all his freakishly-stunted glory (sans masks and circuitry) just rent The Elephant Man, Time Bandits or 24 Hour Party People. Then keep your eyes open for the mutant looking everyone in the crotch.

6) General Tom Thumb (Charles Sherwood Stratton); d. July 15, 1883. (2'9")-
One of P.T. Barnum’s first big draws, Gen. Tom Thumb became world famous after a tour of Europe in which he twice appeared before Queen Victoria. He was so well-known that his 1863 marriage (to fellow midget Lavinia Warren) was front-page news the world over. In fact, the newly wedded couple was received by Abraham Lincoln at the White House. It is not known for sure if he peed on the Oval Office carpet, or tried to hump Lincoln's dog.

7) Willow (Warwick Davis); Feb 3, 1970. (3'6")-
After getting his start as the head Ewok in Return of the Jedi, Warwick Davis went on to land the titular lead in Willow, the role of Prof. Flitwick in the Harry Potter series and prominent gigs in Ray and Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. He also runs Willow Personal Management, the largest dwarf acting agency in the world. So if you’re creeped out each Christmas when every goddamn commercial seems to have a gaggle of elves prancing about, now you know where to send the shrapnel-laden fruitcake.

8) Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf (Henry Nasiff); d. Sept. 4, 2001. (4'1")-
Hank was “discovered” after showing up wasted in the lobby of Howard Stern’s radio show. This led to regular on-air appearances showcasing his main talents: being angry and wasted. He is then sent on the road, making appearances across the country where he always showed up, you guessed it, wasted. Long story short: drinking led to seizures and seizures led to death. Ah, fame.

9) Wee-Man (Jason Acuna); b. May 16, 1973. (4'7")-
Let’s see... what do kids love these days: skateboards, watching people get hit in the nuts and dwarfs. Hmm, who does that remind me of? Oh yeah. Although he started off as a professional skater Jason Acuna didn’t hit the big time until he hooked up with the Jackass crew and started screwing aardvarks and eating human feces. From there he landed a gig hosting a show on Fox Sports and doing voice work on Tony Hawk’s Underground 2. If only he could get his dignity back.

10) Webster (Emmanuel Lewis); b. March 9, 1971 (4'3")-
Just as Coke has it’s Pepsi and Nike it’s Reebok, so did Gary Coleman have his Emmanuel Lewis. Just picture it: a show featuring a cute, black kid living with a well-to-do white family strikes a nerve in Reagan’s racist/elitist America and rockets up the Nielsen’s. First reaction: copy it! From ‘83-‘86 Webster not only helped “white” America feel good about itself but also made us forget Reagan called Nelson Mandela a terrorist.