Oregon's Political Infamous

This is my latest contribution to the Oregonizm Magazine (issue #3). Enjoy.

Now that the 2006 elections have swept the corruption out of Washington we can breathe a lot easier. Gone are all the money-grabbing sleaze-meisters. The Jack Abramoffs, the Tom Delays, the Mark Foleys. We can all rest assured our government will never again sink so low… Yeah, right! It's politics. And politics and scandal go together like "date" and "rape." So, how 'bout joining us for a little sentimental journey down our own state's sordid political history? Just remember to hold onto your wallet and/or panties.

1) Bob Packwood--
Ah, it all seems so quaint now: There were no drunken attempts at entering the page dormitories, no NAMBLA text messages. Hell, there wasn't even a cum-stained cocktail dress. There was only an aging Senator with an eternal hard on and a bad habit of shoving his tongue down unsuspecting women's throats. As these things go "The Bob Packwood Story" is almost G-Rated.

It all started to unravel with the 1992 U.S. Senate inquiry into Packwood's frat boy high jinks. After countless interviews and feverish readings of his diaries they came to one conclusion: Bob liked to fuck! In fact, he seemed to spend every waking moment trying to get his dick wet. Chasing an assistant around his desk? Check. Running his hand up a waitress' skirt, tickling her crotch? Oh yeah. Groping an elevator attendant, pinning his secretary to the wall, tackling another one on a couch? Yes, yes and yes.

When all was said and done, Senator Packwood's 27-year political career was history. He slunk out of the Senate disgraced, with only his pension and a groin-full of VD to show for his years of public service. To this day Bob Packwood, beat down and broken, is forced to eke out his living in the lowest of low professions: high-paid lobbyist.

2) Neil Goldschmidt--
Neil Goldschmidt was once Oregon's political golden child. Born June 16, 1940 in Eugene, Goldschmidt was Portland's mayor at 33, Jimmy Carter's Sec. of Transportation at 39, then Oregon's Governor at 47. He was young, popular and well-connected and that's why his decision not to run for re-election in the 1990 raised a lot of eyebrows. At the time he cited marital problems for not seeking a second term as Governor. It would be fourteen years before we learned the truth.

You see, it turns out that, as P-town's mayor in the seventies, good ol' Neil had a little secret: he was a pedophile. Yep, for the better part of a year Neil Goldschmidt repeatedly, and I mean repeatedly, screwed his kids' babysitter-- beginning when she was all of 14 years old. Of course, in his May 6, 2004 Oregonian confession, he tried to downplay the whole thing, saying he'd merely had "an affair with high-school student." Yeah, right. And Michael Jackson just likes to cuddle with midgets.

So why didn't anyone know about this until 2004 when The Willamette Week broke the story. How was it kept a secret all those years? Power, my friends. Power and Influence. Something Goldschmidt and his ilk have always had in ass-loads. He simply cut a few checks, made a few phone calls and he got off scot-free. It's the same reason Dick Nixon never spent a day in jail and George W. never saw Viet Nam. They're untouchable, boys and girls, they always have been.

3) Monica Lewinsky--
Monica, Oh Monica… Oregon's own President-pleasuring, cigar-screwing shooting star. Although you only lived in our fair state a short time, you most certainly drew inspiration from our lush landscapes and liberal views. For it was here you dreamed your dreams (Please, I wanna fuck the President) and said your prayers (Yes, Lord, I mean THE President) and saw all you life's ambitions unfold before you (No, Bill, not in the face!!!)

Monica Lewinsky was not born in Oregon, you see, nor was she even raised here (those honors go to Beverly Hills, CA). But she did attend Lewis and Clark for a couple of years (graduating in 1995 with a psychology degree) and she did use her student housing to continue the affair she'd been having with an older, married man (practicing no doubt for the world stage). And it was here she remarked off-handedly about going to Washington to "bag the President" and, most likely, learned to suppress her gag reflex.

So, please, don't disparage Monica for only living here a short while and, therefore, not being "Oregonian" enough. We are an accepting lot. And, remember, she's more than willing to go down on her knees to get her way.

4) Ma Anand Sheela--
So you've heard all the tricks Karl Rove has used to keep the Democrats away from the polls: misinformation, theft of ballots, intimidation, paperless voting machines. Well, count yourself lucky he hasn't called on Ms. Sheela for tips, at least not yet. Because, seriously, if that ever happens we're all screwed!

You see, at first everything was cool when the Bhagwan and his followers set up camp in the tiny eastern Oregon town of Antelope. Sure the sight of a guru, his dozens of Rolls Royce's and several thousand red-clad followers in redneck country was a bit weird. But no one really seemed to care, at least in the beginning. Eventually, though, the Rajneeshees had control of the Antelope's city government, then they decided to rename it Rashneeshpuram. And that's when things got ugly.

In every question Ms. Sheela saw a conspiracy, in every criticism-- persecution. Soon she was stockpiling weapons and trucking in 4500 homeless people to swamp the ballots. And then she struck upon the idea that would make her immortal: What's the best way to keep opposition voters away from the polls? Poison the motherfuckers! And so, mere days before the 1984 election, the Rajneeshees fanned out in The Dalles area restaurants, sprinkling salmonella on their salad bars like so much bowel-clenching Ranch Dressing. In the end 751 were sickened and Ma Anand Sheela was sentenced to 29 months in prison. To this day it is still the largest bio-terrorist attack ever in the U.S.

5) Kelly Wirth--
Let's see… Well-dressed 39 year-old woman is run down in parking lot by teenage girl. Seems the teenage girl is furious that the well-dressed woman is screwing her boyfriend. It just so happens said boyfriend is a janitor at the well-dressed woman's place of business. When the police arrive they find meth in the well-dressed woman's car. Turns out, janitor is not only her fuck-toy, but also her tweak connection.

Wow. Only in Oregon, the land of Tonya Harding and flying hubcaps, of meth and monster trucks, could such a tale of pure unadulterated white-trash take place. It's simple and straight forward. It hits all the notes. It just couldn't be more perfect…

Wait!! What was that?!!? You say the well-dressed woman was an Oregon Representative??!! And all this sleaze took place in Salem? At the Capitol? In the Capitol Building? Oh Lord, you've gotta be kidding me. I… I can't take it. I've gotta go masturbate.