The Great Indoors

If there's one thing the Crocodile Hunter's untimely death has taught us is: It's Dangerous Outside! There are West Nile mosquitos and cancer-causing UV rays and pigeons with bird-flu. And those are just the day-to-day perils facing city folk. What about those daredevils who pack up their SUV's and go camping each weekend? Don't they know they are planting their meaty selves smack-dab in the food chain? Well, they should. And, if they don't already, or if Steve Irwin's death does not serve as a wake up call, I feel I must do my civic duty and attempt an intervention:

Are you listening, tent boy? Do you want to end up on the business end of a sting ray? Or starve to death, trapped under a boulder? Or be torn apart by marmosets? Do you? Of course not. So stay home. Indoors. It's safe there on your couch with your remote, or hunched quietly over your keypad. Nothing is dangerous. Nothing can hurt you.

"Well, what about the times I have to leave?" you ask, "to fetch the mail, perhaps, or go to the bank?"

Shhhh. Hush now. It's okay. Just remember to always use the buddy system, and put on your crash helmet. I'll be praying for you.